Tales of the Stalker
Well, I decided not to go see The Da Vinci Code. So, I can't blog about it. I know that the 3 random people who came across this on searches for Jennifer Garner or Peter Jackson will be oh so disappointed, but that's the way it goes.
Instead, I want to tell you about The Stalker. The Stalker is one of my co-workers. The Stalker is not a name I made up. It's what he calls himself, and insists that others call him.
The first time I met The Stalker, about 3 months ago, he came in a 45 minutes early for his shift, and made me a captive audience for his stories about his experiences as a ghost-hunter. Within 20 minutes, he summed up about 50 tales of haunted trailer-parks which he had exorcised or something...he never really makes it clear what he does with ghosts once he finds them, though it is apparent that he can't go anywhere at all without stumbling over 10 ghosts.
He eventually got around to asking my views on ghosts...the following is a more or less accurate transcript of the exchange that followed:
Me: Well, I don't actually believe in ghosts. In fact, I forget who said it, but I've always liked the quote 'There are no haunted places, only haunted people.'
The Stalker: What!?! Well, where do you think you go when you die?
Me: I think we pretty much just cease to exist.
The Stalker: Don't you believe in God?
Me: No. In fact, I don't believe in anything supernatural.
The Stalker: Not even Jesus?
Me: No. Not even Jesus.
The Stalker: Well, than I guess there's no point in continuing this conversation. So, I had this girlfriend once who was hearing strange noises from the back of her van, and I looked into it, and found out that the previous owner had killed himself in the back, and so...blah, blah, blah.
The man is incapable of not talking. And 99% of what he says is abject bullshit, even when he isn't going on about ghosts.
One morning, he was telling me and another co-worker about a buddy of his who was in prison at some point.(He never calls his buddies 'buddies' or 'friends', like a normal person, btw...they're all 'partners in crime.) He said that this friend had killed 8 people while in prison. He than informed us that if you kill someone in prison, they add a year to your sentence. The other co-worker, who is a former parole offices, was visibly supressing laughter, while I pointed out that if you kill someone in prison, they actually have to give you another trial, just like if you kill someone on the outside, before they can add any more time to the sentence. The Stalker said something resembling 'mrpmh, um, which zone do you want me to start in?'
The Stalker also claims to be owed $20,000 by some local hooker, once informed me that ghosts smell like roses or jasmine, and we are all pretty certain that he's the one who left the huge spray of diarhea(that I came 3 inches short of sitting in) over the back of the porta john in one of the lots we guard.
Anyway, that's all for now.
Instead, I want to tell you about The Stalker. The Stalker is one of my co-workers. The Stalker is not a name I made up. It's what he calls himself, and insists that others call him.
The first time I met The Stalker, about 3 months ago, he came in a 45 minutes early for his shift, and made me a captive audience for his stories about his experiences as a ghost-hunter. Within 20 minutes, he summed up about 50 tales of haunted trailer-parks which he had exorcised or something...he never really makes it clear what he does with ghosts once he finds them, though it is apparent that he can't go anywhere at all without stumbling over 10 ghosts.
He eventually got around to asking my views on ghosts...the following is a more or less accurate transcript of the exchange that followed:
Me: Well, I don't actually believe in ghosts. In fact, I forget who said it, but I've always liked the quote 'There are no haunted places, only haunted people.'
The Stalker: What!?! Well, where do you think you go when you die?
Me: I think we pretty much just cease to exist.
The Stalker: Don't you believe in God?
Me: No. In fact, I don't believe in anything supernatural.
The Stalker: Not even Jesus?
Me: No. Not even Jesus.
The Stalker: Well, than I guess there's no point in continuing this conversation.
The man is incapable of not talking. And 99% of what he says is abject bullshit, even when he isn't going on about ghosts.
One morning, he was telling me and another co-worker about a buddy of his who was in prison at some point.(He never calls his buddies 'buddies' or 'friends', like a normal person, btw...they're all 'partners in crime.) He said that this friend had killed 8 people while in prison. He than informed us that if you kill someone in prison, they add a year to your sentence. The other co-worker, who is a former parole offices, was visibly supressing laughter, while I pointed out that if you kill someone in prison, they actually have to give you another trial, just like if you kill someone on the outside, before they can add any more time to the sentence. The Stalker said something resembling 'mrpmh, um, which zone do you want me to start in?'
The Stalker also claims to be owed $20,000 by some local hooker, once informed me that ghosts smell like roses or jasmine, and we are all pretty certain that he's the one who left the huge spray of diarhea(that I came 3 inches short of sitting in) over the back of the porta john in one of the lots we guard.
Anyway, that's all for now.
posted by Ralph Nadir at 6:44 PM
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